Hello, internet! I’m on vacation, and this probably breaks all the rules but you know what? Here we are! Holy Spirit inspiration struck and I didn’t want to get in the way, especially after going dark for months. Interestingly enough, the last blog also came after a dry spell and I decided not to apologize for the lack of communication, but this time is different. An apology still isn’t the appropriate response. Instead, I’ll admit to you guys that what I realized was causing the drought was a lack of “emotional precipitation,” if you will. I was experiencing some high-grade insecurity and self-doubt, which sent me spiraling into a reality that brought me face to face with something I’ve struggled with for quite some time. My name is Bobby Ramirez and I’m a control freak.
As a Type A person, this probably isn’t a surprise to you, but I’ve never wanted to admit defeat in this area of my life. Defeat, in this case, means surrendering this part of myself to Jesus. I believe that this “thing” is rooted so deep that I’ve chalked it up to just being a part of who I’ve always been and who I’m always going to be. I remember Dave Rhodes talking about the journey of hiking up a mountain, and how you see the same things over and over again as you make your way towards the top. Would you indulge me and visualize what I’ve been talking about as the proverbial Control Mountain? Actually, I’ll call it Candy Mountain since that sounds less dark. Also, #throwback to Charlie the Unicorn anyone?
Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve hiked Candy Mountain many times throughout the course of my life. I’ve seen the same scenery each time, whether it be beautiful flowers or poisonous vegetation. And yes, I’ve even seen the Liopleurodon many times. Okay, I’m done with the callbacks. Let me talk about real life now. I constantly refuse to let the Lord take control of both the big and small things in my life. Oftentimes, this decision feels like a subconscious one, but it’s probably not when you get to the heart of it. You guys down for another metaphor? “Jesus, Take the Wheel”? I don’t think I need to elaborate. I know it’s not a direct tie-in so please leave your pitchforks at home, but I know that you guys are understanding what I’m getting at with all of this pop culture nonsense.
Here’s where I’m at: over the past few days, I’ve had a lot of time to spend with my own thoughts and emotions, but I haven’t used that time wisely at all. But isn’t it like God to drop some heavy stuff at the local coffee shop? When I began my vacation last Sunday, I was simultaneously excited for all of the experiences and afraid of not getting an adequate amount of rest and rejuvenation. I’m glad the week isn’t over yet, even though I wish I landed on this next revelation sooner. For me, rest doesn’t usually look like doing an 8 hour Netflix binge or staying in bed all day and mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. To be completely honest, my personal definition of tangible and practical rest is still incomplete. But as a self-proclaimed workaholic, not being at the office and doing work-related stuff has definitely helped me understand that the rest I actually need can only be found in Jesus. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been learning about how that concept influences my professional and spiritual life, but I didn’t think about how it was affecting my emotional life. My lack of rest began to compound, and prior to a few days ago, started to weigh on me, so much so that little things would frustrate or trigger me. I consider myself to be an emotional person, but over the last six months, that has become the understatement of the year. Sadly, I didn’t know why I was feeling this way until an hour or so ago. I’m literally processing all of this as I type each word, which has actually become a pretty typical thing for me as of late.
I don’t have it all figured out yet and I know my description of this season that I’m coming out of isn’t pretty or clear at the moment, but I’m doing my best to listen and absorb all of the things that God’s saying to me, even right now. I don’t think that I’ll be able to experience truly “abundant life” until I start to allow the Lord to chip away at my pride and lack of willingness to let Him prune me and rid me of this false sense of control that I’ve clung to for years. I pray that my posture turns from hiding this sin in my clenched fists to opening my hands to the Savior who is “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.”