Last week, a lie that I believed was brought to the surface and I began the process of replacing it with truth. This lie is one that most people struggle with and my prayer is that these words bring you comfort and hope.
The lie is inadequacy. It plagues the hearts and minds of so many people. It takes root so deep that it seems impossible to eradicate. Even though I’ve dealt with this for my whole life, I realized that I had never admitted to believing that I’m not good enough. I believed this wholeheartedly. I believed that I wasn’t smart enough, or funny enough, or attractive enough; insert any adjective, and that’s what I believed about myself. Truthfully, I’m sure there’s a part of me that still believes all of those things. However, the Lord began a work in me that I knew I needed to share as soon as possible.
Continuing in the spirit of transparency, I’ll admit that my first response to trouble is not always prayer. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the kind of person who wants to feel every feeling in its fullest form. Whether it’s joy, anger, fear, or anything in between, I hold my emotions captive and don’t let go until I’m ready. Speaking from personal experience, this can be very unhealthy and what I can only describe as ineffective in regard to processing said emotions. That said, a friend of mine recently urged me to lay a situation I was dealing with at the Lord’s feet and though my instinct is to disregard that advice in the moment (human nature is the best), I gave it a shot without any hesitation. I went home, put on some music, and spent about an hour alone with God. What’s even crazier is that He was speaking to me before I even got to my apartment. As I was driving, the phrase “I’m not good enough” kept rolling around in my head. I began to sob because I was coming to grips with how much that lie has impacted my life, but I didn’t realize that at the time. I was able to finally understand why rejection affects me so deeply. I became aware of many wounds that had never healed but I could feel Jesus’ restoration power more tangibly than ever before.
The name of the game for me was learning how to respond to difficult situations by throwing up the white flag of surrender immediately, instead of crawling into the dark places of my soul. I knew the right thing to do in those moments but ignored the conviction I felt in my heart. In the midst of vulnerability, I’m more susceptible to letting my emotions get the better of me. Despite my stubbornness, God is continually gracious in His correction. I don’t write this as someone who is now able to handle emotion on a level that astounds psychologists, but I’m grateful for how Jesus is showing me more of the beauty in following Him and what that looks like in practicality. My encouragement to you is simply to press further into relationship with Him (even right now) and let Him speak life into things that you call inadequacies. You’re infinitely more valued and loved than you could ever imagine. I know that a statement of that nature seems trite but I can assure you that if you let Him, God can break down walls you’ve kept up for decades. He’s working miracles every day right before my eyes and He longs to do the same for you.