Strange times, my friends. It still feels surreal to walk into an empty restaurant or coffee shop, only to be flooded with this overwhelming sense of heaviness and sadness. As someone who is heavily affected by emotions, it’s very disheartening to realize that much like myself, the majority of people are mourning right now. They’re mourning routines, rhythms, and their “old lives.” I truly believe, though, that this virus is going to have a lasting impact on our reality in a much more substantial way than we’re able to comprehend. Now, don’t get discouraged, this isn’t a doomsday blog. I simply wanted to set up the context for what will be the actual subject matter.
Some people out there are very much enjoying this quarantine, which is great. However, I am not one of those people. Those of you who follow along with my blogs know that I don’t shy away from vulnerability, so allow me to reiterate by saying that I am very much not enjoying this time of feeling trapped. I was talking to a friend the other day and they described it perfectly: it’s not that I’m wanting to see people 24/7, but the fact that I can’t see people at all is what’s making it difficult. I recently discovered that I’m an extrovert, which was fascinating to me because I’m not the “life of the party” personality or the one who can spontaneously spark up a conversation with someone on the side of the road. I get recharged by being around my closest friends and family, the people I love deeply. Nevertheless, I’m told that because I can be around people for an entire day and not feel drained once I get home, I fall into the extrovert category. Once I began to think about this more, it actually started making perfect sense. I hate being alone. I could never identify with the “dark closet introspection” part of introversion, and I’d often find myself restless at home, only lasting an hour or so before picking up the phone and asking someone if they wanted to hang out. Boredom was part of it, but it goes deeper than that.
Our Creator has designed us for fellowship and companionship, and as I’ve explained in previous blogs, this desire burns ferociously inside of me. I crave intimacy in relationships and prefer to skip the pleasantries or “small talk” phase, if you will, and jump right into the deep end. Nothing recharges me more than making people feel fully known and fully loved. Oftentimes it feels as simple as breathing because of how perfectly that kind of love is modeled for me each and every day. That said, being deprived of that emotional closeness and literal proximity has been extremely challenging for me. Thankfully, the Lord not only meets us where we are, but He sits down with us in the garden and lets us vent and cry on His shoulder. He doesn’t rush our processing, yet He knows exactly what to say in response and how to say it. That said, I want to share with you guys one of the most beautiful gifts that God gave me a year or so ago, which has helped me immensely over the past few weeks.
Here’s some backstory: I was talking to another friend of mine named Micah, and was telling him that I was really struggling with hearing God’s voice in that season. I can’t remember what I was walking through at the time, but it was one of those unfortunate realities where He feels distant. Shortly after I finished rambling, which is a “Bobby special” when it comes to external processing, the Holy Spirit spoke through Micah in one of the most powerful ways I’ve ever experienced. Micah asked me to close my eyes and imagine a place where the Lord and I could meet and come back to whenever I was feeling disconnected. Looking back now, I definitely was not the one painting the picture, and for that I’m beyond grateful to the world’s greatest Artist. It took me a few seconds to center myself, but I was able to quickly picture the most basic looking elevator that ended up taking me to my destination. The silver doors opened and I saw the most breathtakingly vast and serene field I’d ever seen. There was green everywhere. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, the trees were swaying in the wind, and the birds were singing. I looked around at this foreign new land in awe and then turned my head to see my Savior, looking at me with the biggest smile on His face, as if He’d been waiting there for me since the beginning of time. He reached out His hand toward me and we began to walk together and sit down in the middle of the field and talk. I don’t remember much of what He and I talked about that day because I was so overwhelmed with joy and peace. Before I go on, I want to thank Micah for being obedient to the Holy Spirit’s guidance and allowing Him to reveal one of the greatest treasures of my life. As if what I just described wasn’t enough, buckle up, because the story’s only just begun.
This idea of imagination being my direct line to God was truly a game changer for me and my prayer life. And in typical God fashion, the image is always evolving. Sometimes, I’ll step out of the elevator and see a door right in the middle of the field, which He usually ends up using to illustrate what He’s wanting me to step into for that season. Other times, there will be different people in the field with us. I can remember a few times where someone has upset me and I try to escape the pain by taking my frustrations to the Lord in prayer, only to find them waiting for me with Jesus, ready to heal together whatever had been wounded in my heart. But the most impactful revelation came when I was listening to a pastor speak on Genesis and the story of creation, when God showed me that this field I had been frequently visiting wasn’t a field at all. It was a garden. It actually felt like it was THE Garden. The beginning of everything. The most wondrous and marvelous safe haven that has ever existed. My eyes lit up and I could barely contain my excitement. My world was turned upside down when I was given this gift. Maybe you’re wondering why I shared this story and what it has to do with quarantine and feeling lonely. Well, there’s one more thing that I want to tell you about, and then I’ll put a nice bow on this blog and wrap it up.
I’ve always struggled with the crippling feeling of loneliness. I often subscribe to the lies of “I’ll never find love” or “I’ll die alone,” so on and so forth. As I’ve gotten older, I’m able to catch the lies much quicker than before, but still find myself spiraling sometimes and feeling as if every lie I could ever tell myself was the truth. Quick disclaimer: please spare me the spiel of “you’re young, you’ll find her eventually” or anything of that nature. I do appreciate the encouragement, however, words are relatively meaningless when you’re in the eye of the hurricane. But a few weeks ago, my Heavenly Father sat me down and went “full dad mode” on me. He didn’t yell or use a stern voice, but instead reminded me that He is listening and He does care about my feelings. I was in the middle of leading worship for an online gathering at CBC, and we were singing “The Blessing” by Elevation Worship. We eventually got to the bridge, which says “May His favor be upon you, and a thousand generations, and your family, and your children, and their children, and their children.” Even now, as I’m writing this and listening to a random playlist that “just so happened” to have “The Blessing” on it, I can feel the Lord’s presence so tangibly. I began to sing those lyrics and I wasn’t even able to get through one phrase before I felt myself being abruptly transported to the Garden. I opened my eyes, and I saw Jesus there with a soft smile on His face. He turned and looked in a new direction. I then followed suit and saw a woman there. At first, I began to wonder “Who is this person?” I initially didn’t recognize her, but then it hit me. It was my wife. My future wife. The one that I’ve been waiting so long for, and she was waiting for me to run to her. Now, don’t get too excited. After all, this is still just my imagination, so I’m not actually able to make out any faces. I still don’t know Mrs. Ramirez’s identity, yet I could see her so vividly that day. She was smiling and I was speechless. But then, I looked over and saw a bunch of children running around and playing. “Wait, whose kids are these?” I looked back at Jesus and His smile became even bigger. He knew that I just realized these were my future kids. As you’d expect, the idea of looking at my wife and babies was enough to bring me to my knees. So I started walking toward them, hearing the laughter and voices of more kids. I paused for a moment and scanned the Garden, which is when I saw another couple with kids of their own. I’m sure you’re starting to catch on. These people were my kiddos all grown up with kiddos of their own. I finally started to run toward the source of more joy than I’d ever felt and then the laughter and voices began to multiply and get louder. It wasn’t long before I realized that there were adults and children everywhere. Literally “a thousand generations.” I don’t feel like my words can accurately depict how I truly felt while this was happening, but I knew that it was Jesus clearly and directly saying “Son, stop worrying about your future and just trust My perfect timing.”
Why do I share all of this? Because even in the midst of quarantine, even in the midst of a global pandemic, even in the midst of whatever it is that you’re walking through, the Lord is with you. He is our refuge and strength, and an ever-present help in times of trouble. He’s always speaking and wants to remind you that He cares for you more than anyone else on this earth. He continually shatters the mirror that we all stare into for hours, fixating on what we don’t like about ourselves or what we lack. He then replaces it with an empty frame that allows us to fix our eyes on Him and remember that we have everything we need in Jesus – our Savior, our Friend, and our Comforter.